Moving Through Death

I learned a lot from my dog's death.

How do we weigh what's valuable and important to us?

What if the odds were barely optimal, what would we do?

This is my lesson and my perspective.

He was a 9 yr old bull mastiff who was showing signs of old age and then suddenly lost a lot of weight. 

I chose the consequence of having some inconvenience and challenges in my life so I could take him to the vet first thing in the morning. I saw my original thought process of completing what's scheduled and then going to the vet in the afternoon which is more "convenient".  It was a normal routine path I had to step out of to listen to what honored my integrity. 

It's interesting how easily "convenience" can creep in and pose as important. 

They told me his prognosis wasn't good. Even if he gets better, it's a long journey.

She told me the 1st night would cost $1000. each additional night is $300 and more depending...

I am not proud of the thoughts that went through my head when I was analyzing the info and what to do.  However, I made the right choice.

-prognosis not good.
-old (he's at the end of his lifespan based on research)
-doc didn't look confident.
-he had trouble eating just today (which happened to our other dogs right before they passed away).
-$1000+ just to see what's going on. No guarantees.


I was aware of 2 forces in me: My old thinking and my heart.

I looked at my baby...I could still feel his spirit. His playfulness.  His desire to live.

I listened to my heart to give him a fighting chance and pay $1000. While also maintaining logic to re-evaluate after the testing to make the next choice.  He was worth it.

The next morning he passed away. 

He is the 1st death I've fully experienced and I was in shock.

I ask myself why this is happening? 

 To use the question to move me through his death and find the valuable lessons.

He is giving me a chance to practice fully being in my body and my heart.

To delete my old thinking of numbing pain and locking it up to be practical.

To erase my belief that it's not proper to show sad emotions in public.

Instead, I practiced transparency.

Being who I am and allowing my emotions to flow through me.

(The Dalai Lama has also recommended this and this author describes it brilliantly).

“Learn to detach...Don't cling to things, because everything is impermanent...

But detachment doesn't mean you don't let the experience penetrate you.

On the contrary, you let it penetrate fully. That's how you are able to leave it...

Take any emotion--love for a woman, or grief for a loved one,

or what I'm going through, fear and pain from a deadly illness.

If you hold back on the emotions--if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them--

you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid.

You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief.

You're afraid of the vulnerability that love entails.

But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way,

over your head even, you experience them fully and completely.

You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is.

And only then can you say, 'All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment."

~ Mitch Albom quotes from Tuesdays with Morrie

I am mourning my 1st baby (dog form). I have every right to be devastated.

I cried my eyes out on the phone with the doctors, friends, in front of my parents. 

Why did I used to feel ashamed about sharing news like this...worrying about burdening others. My story.

I've never been upclose to a dead body before. I was afraid to see him.  Would it be weird and scary?
Not at all.  When I was there, all I wanted to do was to be closer and just hold him in my arms (which was not possible).

I cried when we said goodbye to his physical form and prayed for him. 
I didn't cry politely and proud of it.

He was so beautiful. Magestic. Strong. Sweet. Soft.
I looked him in the eyes (thought I'd be scared there too. nope) and my tears continued to flow.

There's guilt surfacing where "IF I ...hadn't been away on business trip... or if I hadn't let others take care of him..or if I had etc. etc. "

Blame doesn't solve anything.

How can I fully learn from this experience,from his death? What is the gift?

-I can empathize for others much better now when they experience death, not fear it and know how to respond.


-I saw how my fear of death is learned behavior because I was protected from it.  It's only a natural process of life, another chapter.


-To allow myself to mourn and heal. It's ok that I'm not jumping right back into work to be productive.


-That it's ok to be emotional and still maintain my integrity with a basic level of responsibility to reschedule my life. Not use it as an excuse.  To do what's still necessary and priority.


-I allowed myself to be transparent to my friends who've never seen me cry. I always make sure I am positive. I told them about his death and allowed them to console me and feel my pain.  Another way to say it is I allowed myself to receive their love and support.


-I learned how amazing this moment was. To allow the river to flow vs. damming it up which is what we're taught about our feelings.


-To appreciate the life I have even more and the ppl around me.


-To live my life fully because any minute can be my last.


-His death has opened my heart even wider and more vulnerable to receive.


-To take action on even the slightest issues with my health, family or even patients.


-Tweak my belief that everything will always be ok. Everything will be ok PLUS making sure with preventive measures so I've done everything I possibly could.  Not allow chance to have the upper hand. Better to be prepared.


-That it's ok to be hopeful and also be practical.

I am grateful:

-I had the oportunity to spend time with him while waiting at the vet.
-I combed him lovingly and sat with him on the floor as he lay down.
-He looked so happy to be near me. Feeling me stroke him. Cooing to him.
-He was happy and relaxed.

He is the sweetest dog and has taught me many great lessons. 

And the biggest one was love.

He loved me no matter what. It was unconditional.

He will be my reminder and symbol of unconditional love.

I am so honored and blessed he entered my life. He was perfect. 

He was there for me if I ever wanted to reach out to him.

I am all cried out. eyeballs are actually aching.
I feel sad. Yet also at peace with it.  I feel complete.


I miss him dearly.
I know he is in a good place getting loved up by everyone because he's just sooo sweet and goofy.  

I am taking it nice and easy to rest my body, spirit and soul.

To savor every drop of this experience.

Learn and grow from it.

Rise and transform with it.

Thank you.